A few days ago I was working hard at getting through the workday without accomplishing anything productive, and I stumbled upon a discussion on the following hypothetical question:

Where and when would you most want to live for five years, restricted to a five-mile radius?

Like most people, my first thought was of spending 5 years comfortably tucked inside Britney Spears panties, but after some consideration I have decided that it could be a little awkward, as I’m sure she would have some questions that I would have a tough time answering. For instance, she would probably ask “who are you and what are you doing inside my panties?” Since I would have a difficult time explaining myself, I’ve decided to explore other possibilities.

While I’ve narrowed my choices down to approximately 1.5 × 10²³ + 10, to give a final answer, I would need a little clarification on the rules.

1. Is my safety guaranteed? Because one of my considerations was to visit one of the approximately 1.5 × 10²³ stars in the known universe simply to see what is there. However, without knowing what is there in advance, my chances of ending up somewhere hostile, such as at the bottom of a sea of methane or at a Sarah Palin rally, may pose an inordinate risk.

2. Can I travel into the future? If so my first thought is of Biff and his sports almanac in Back to the Future. While witnessing some historical event in person may be dandy, I’m not sure it beats returning to the present with a few decades worth of winning lottery numbers, stock market data, and Justin Bieber albums.

3. Can my actions change history? Perhaps I would go back to the day in 1997 when I shit my pants on the freeway, despite passing a service station 10 minutes earlier and deciding that I could indeed make it home, only to find shortly thereafter that some inconsiderate, selfish morons decided it was a good time to cause a traffic accident ahead of me. I would calmly explain to myself that no, I cannot make it, and my best option would be to stop at that service station and plop my ass down on that filthy, piss-soaked toilet seat. And of course I would provide myself with a sports almanac from the future, and perhaps the new Justin Bieber album.

4. Will I return to the same time that I left? If I return 5 years into the future, not only would it be difficult to explain my sudden half decade disappearance, but if I could actually afford to take a 5 year vacation I would have already done it. Besides, someone has to feed the dog, and right now would be a very inconvenient time to leave considering the state of Minnesota sports, with the Twins on the verge of winning the world series, Brett Favre set to march the Vikings to the Superbowl, and the Timberwolves… well they’re terrible.

Reading through other people’s answers, it seems that virtually everyone has chosen a time and place on earth within recorded human history. Perhaps that is a bit more in line with the spirit of the question, but not nearly as fun (or profitable). The 5 year stay also makes many choices less appealing, I mean sure it would be cool to see the Beatles live and in concert, but at the cost of spending the next 5 years living with corded phones and three television channels. Not worth it. Here are a few other ideas I have disqualified for similar reasons:

- 1692 Salem where I would burst into the courtroom during the witch trials in a Darth Vader costume, just to see the looks on their faces.

- 25 A.D. Nazareth to share a good laugh with Jesus as I explain to him that 2,000 years later over 2 billion people still celebrate his birth and think that he died a virgin. I would also like to see his traveling magic show and petting zoo first hand, and I bet he made a mean funnel cake.

- 1540 England to sing “I Am Henry the Eighth, I Am” to Henry VIII, before shouting “Off with his head!”.

- 1942 Amsterdam to tell Anne Frank some Anne Frank jokes. What, too soon? OK yeah, I guess that was in bad taste.

The more I think about it, the less sure I am that I would like to go anywhere in the past for 5 long, boring years without Freecell, Justin Bieber, and round the clock access to porn. While it’s fun to consider the possibilities, nothing beats home, and perhaps that’s the point. Besides, someone has to feed the dog.